I often wonder why I haven’t done it yet. I think about it and talk about it so much but I haven’t done it. It’s not like I haven’t tried. I have, multiple times.
I guess the disappointing feeling of failing at it isn’t something I want again. And a part of me thinks I want to be here, want to give my parents some joy after all the disappointment but when will I finally stop the disappointing?
It’s like being stuck in a glass cage where no one else sees the cage. Why do I always feel so alone? Like in some way if I were to get close enough to anyone, my darkness will eventually take over their light?

Swinging From a Tree

I can tie a noose. A good one that won’t break. I know good ropes now too. I’ve always known trees.

I can tie a noose. Even better than I can knot a tie. I remember how proud my father was that I could knot his tie.

I can tie a noose. Even quicker than I can lace my boots. I remember taking time to learn all the ways to lave my boots just to lace one way all the time.

I can tie a noose. It’s funny that I just decided to try to make…

Dear Bankole,

I want to start this by saying I am sorry. I am sorry that I didn’t love you when you needed me to the most and I am sorry for not showing up for you in so many different ways. I am writing to you because I want you to know that you end up hanging in there. Even if you aren’t the best, you get so much better. …

Benny Bennzzz


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